It’s a situation no parent wants to face, but one we hear about all too often: you’ve found drugs in your son or daughter’s room. What do you do next?

As a certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor who has been working with young adults and teenagers for many years, it’s a situation I am very familiar with. In fact, finding drugs or alcohol in a child’s room is often the reason parents reach out for help in the first place.

We’ll elaborate on each point, but just to lay it out, we believe there are a few steps parents should take relatively quickly once they find drugs in their son or daughter’s room:

If you find drugs in your child’s room, the most important things to do next are,

1. Take a deep breath
2. Gather information through observation
3. Have a discussion with your son or daughter
4. Gauge your child’s responses
5. Seek help from a professional specializing in substance use
6. Do not ignore it

Discovering that your son or daughter might be doing drugs is a situation that no parent ever wants to face.

In the next few paragraphs, I will go through each of these steps and follow up with some things to avoid as well.

1. Take a deep breath

I mean this both literally and figuratively. Discovering that your loved one may be getting high is a scary proposition. It’s a tough emotional burden to bear, especially when you don’t have all the information yet.

Our minds tend to go to the worst places when we get this kind of news. While I do not intend to downplay the seriousness of finding drugs in your son or daughter’s room, I do believe that one of the most helpful things in the very beginning is to relax and breathe.

People recover from drug abuse all the time. We see it every day (literally) in our teen substance abuse program.

So: a couple of things to keep in mind as we go through the next few steps are:

1. It’s not necessarily the end of the world
2. It doesn’t mean your child is ruined
3. It’s not your fault
4. There are few logical “next steps” that can truly streamline the process of determining if your child needs help, and if so, what kind of help

So … as much as possible, relax. Take a deep breath, and know that good, high-quality help is available and within reach.

2. Gather information

The first action step we want any parent to complete when finding drugs in a son’s room is to gather as much information as possible. While it’s tempting to jump straight to things like confrontations and drug testing your teen, much of this initial step can be done by a simple observation:

Important things to observe

• What kind of drugs did you find? If you’re having trouble figuring it out, please reach out to a substance abuse counselor for help with this. Different drugs come with different inherent risks, some of which carry greater risks in the short term. Note, while we don’t condone any drug use during the adolescent and young adult years, there are some drugs that would inherently cause us greater immediate concern than others.
• What quantity of drugs did you find? Though they are far from conclusive evidence, we would typically be more concerned if you found a high quantity of drugs (or paraphernalia), or if you found multiple kinds of drugs. They may be red flags that your child may have passed the experimentation phase.
• Where did you find the drugs? Were they hastily stashed somewhere out of sight? Or were they hidden somewhere that took planning and effort? This can tell you how invested your child is in keeping their use a secret.
• Was there any paraphernalia with the drugs? Having paraphernalia points to consistent use as well as planned future use, which is a huge red flag.
• Has this happened before? If it has happened more than once, your child likely isn’t experimenting with drugs at this point. Even being caught for a second time is an indicator of a larger problem.
• Is your child currently intoxicated/high? If you’re worried about their immediate health or safety, go to a hospital (especially if you do not recognize the drugs or if your child isn’t coherent enough to describe what they took). It is far better to be safe than sorry in this regard.

3. Have a discussion with your son or daughter (and ask these key questions)

There are a few key pieces of information that can be very helpful in determining next steps. Below are a few questions to ask.

One thing to note: we often talk with parents about “staying on your kid’s side.” I would remind everyone who is about to confront and / or ask their child about potential drug use to walk into the conversation willing to be loving and logical. It’ is very easy for these types of conversations to turn into fights. If you’d like help with some specific direction on what to say and how to ask, please contact a substance abuse counselor first.

That being said, if you’re confident that you can have a conversation with your teen, here are a few pieces of information that are very helpful in providing recommendations to parents for what to do next:

• Where did they get the drugs? This is important not so that you can find whoever provided the drugs, but so that you can see if they sought it out, if they have a dealer already, or if their friends are providing drugs.
• How much/ how often are they using? This will let you know the extent of the problem. Finding out how long they’ve been using for is also important. The longer they’ve kept their use a secret, the more concerning the issue is. For example, a young person who has kept their drug use hidden for 2 years has become very comfortable living dishonestly and is very likely to have a difficult time stopping.
• Why are they using? Is it with friends, alone, for fun, to deal with emotions? Using alone is a huge red flag for substance use problems. Using to cope with any emotional issues is also a red flag, as any drug use it likely to make matters worse over any considerable period of time.
• How do they perceive the harm? You may need to “read between the lines” on this one, as most drug users won’t come out and say it. Does it seem as though they view their drug use as a problem? Do they see it as destructive, or do they see it as “no big deal?” This is important to gauge, as many young people are being bombarded with false information about the harmfulness of cannabis as well as other drugs and do not think there will be consequences.
• Are they willing to stop? An unwillingness to stop is an obvious red flag for a substance use issue.

4. Gauge your son or daughter’s responses

One of the biggest signals of how far a drug problem has progressed is how the user responds to being caught:

• A young person who is very early on in their drug use will often come clean right away, show remorse, and accept the consequences. If they simply made a mistake, they will recognize it and cease the behavior.
• A young person who has moved past the initial stages of drug use, however, will often try to rationalize and justify their drug use, often being very manipulative and dishonest throughout the process.

An important thing to remember in this part of the process is to trust your gut. In my years of working with parents, I can recall countless examples of parents reflecting back and saying “I knew that didn’t make any sense!” or, “something just seemed off with him.”

If it seems like your son or daughter’s explanations or responses don’t make sense, it’s most likely because they actually don’t! Drug users are often very adept at convincing their parents to ignore their better judgment.

Classic red flag statements for dishonesty are:

• “I’m holding it for a friend”
• “It was my first time using ever”
• “I have anxiety and need it”
• “All my friends are doing it”
• “You guys are over-reacting”
• “I am doing all this other stuff you guys want me to do so get off my back”
• “If you let me use at home I wouldn’t have to go behind your back”
• “You made me this way”
• and many more

Overall, pay attention to their responses. You know your kids better than anyone, so trust your gut and use that intuition to help you in the next step.

5. Seek help from someone who specializes in substance use, preferably with young people

After you have gathered all the above information, we strongly recommend that you follow through and seek the opinion of an outside professional. We recommend this for a few reasons:

1. The professional will have expertise in deciphering the signs of drug use in teens and young people.
2. The professional won’t have the same emotional reactions to your family’s situation, which means they will have an easier time looking at the situation objectively

Your child may simply have gotten mixed up with a bad crowd or made a mistake, or they could have the beginnings of a serious problem that requires intervention in order to avoid serious consequences and mental health implications down the road.

Additionally, not every substance abuse evaluation necessarily leads to treatment.

Speaking from experience here: our recommendations range from “watch and wait” to “he needs counseling right away,” and everything in-between.

Making that distinction is not as easy as it sounds for parents. Find a professional who understands both substance use disorders and adolescent treatment. Use the information that you’ve gathered to inform said professional and have them evaluate the situation. Not only does it allow you to get a second opinion on your child’s health, but it also sends a very strong message that drug use will not be tolerated in the household.

6. Do not ignore it!

This is my final suggestion, and maybe the most important: Don’t ignore finding drugs in your son or daughter’s room. Just the simple fact that they brought it into the house suggests a pattern of continued use. Someone who has only done drugs a couple of times or only does them at parties typically won’t bring drugs into the home.

I talk with parents often who brushed off seemingly small instances only to realize later they were indicators of a much bigger problem. I encourage parents to think of it like they would if they thought their child had a bad cough: it could be nothing, or it could be a serious health problem, and anything in-between.

Consulting a professional doesn’t mean anything other than you admit it’s better to be safe than sorry. Substance abuse disorders start off seemingly mild and almost never get better without help. You wouldn’t say, “It’s just a little bit of cancer,” so do not ignore drug use with a child.

If you find drugs in your child’s room, you’re not the first. Countless families run into this every year. Relax, and take the next steps. As I mentioned earlier, it’s important to breathe, relax, and take the next logical step.

You love your child – that much is obvious. All that’s left to do is take the necessary steps to determine the appropriate course of action for your family.

It is natural for parents to respond when their children struggle. When parents become aware that their child is experiencing discomfort, they instinctively take steps to try and help. Whether the issue is with illness, emotional distress, financial problems, injury, or any other adversity. This instinct is a powerful motivator and addiction creates an ideal situation for this natural response to go too far, potentially to the point of creating unmanageability in the parent’s life and negatively affecting the rest of the family. A common theme when there is an addicted child in the family is for the addict to continually be in some form of distress. As they make a series of drug/alcohol-related decisions, they dig deeper into a hole and are always trying to avoid or mitigate the consequences. If parents are wrapped up in this cycle with the addict, it is easy to get into a “squeaky wheel gets the grease” pattern.

A parent who is distressed about their child’s distress, and perpetually focused on the struggling child, can easily have their attention turned away from other children and relationships that require maintenance. Inadvertently this can lead to neglected relationships, often with their other children. Many families with an addict child have unknowingly allowed other damaging dynamics to develop with the addict’s siblings.

Here are some common perspectives reported by siblings:

• Feeling neglected due to the attentions focused on the addict.
• Feeling that they must have a problem to receive attention.
• Not seeking help because they feel guilty that their parents are already stressed.
• Feeling that their hard work and commitment to “toeing the line” are unnoticed.
• Having mixed emotions about seeing parents spend tremendous resources, both time and money, on the sibling who does everything wrong.
• Building resentment toward their sibling for the chaos in the family as they watch their parents’ struggle.
• Feeling the expectations set for the addict are lower than they are for them. “I am expected to get good grades, but mom is happy if he just doesn’t do drugs for a few days.”

Here are some ideas and solutions that have worked for parents who recognized these issues in their families:

• FIRST, go to a parent support group and get support for yourself. Your new tools to respond to the addict will go a long way with their siblings. When siblings see their parent changing it is validating and gives them hope.
• Make a conscious effort to attend to relationships with your other children.
• Allow siblings to voice concerns.
• Be aware if the addict is receiving special treatment.
• Refrain from oversharing stress, it can add fuel to a burning resentment against the addict and or parent. It is best to discuss these issues with parents in your support group.
• If there is a recovery process happening such as counseling, treatment, or support groups, offer to involve siblings when it is available and allow them to avoid it if they don’t want to participate.
• Sharing the addict’s day-to-day struggles can contribute to resentful feelings if it does not involve the sibling. It may be better to share it with someone else.
• Offer to attend family counseling or get them a counselor of their own.
• Make home a sanctuary, keep intense confrontations or drama created by the addict on neutral ground rather than in the house.

Overall, just taking the time to realize that the siblings are being affected not only by the addict’s behavior but also by the parent’s response to it, is a great start. This awareness is the beginning of change for many parents. It does not change the fact that the squeaky wheel will get the needed grease, but it is a good reminder to remember the other wheels need care as well before they also become squeaky. By attending to everybody’s needs to the best of their ability a parent can set the course for whole family recovery and healing.

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This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

If you spend any time around addiction recovery circles you are bound to hear a lot of recovery lingo. Mottos, sayings, and acronyms abound – and for good reason. These sayings are tremendously wise and pack helpful tools and perspectives into short memorable sayings that are easy to recall in a moment of stress. These indispensable tools are tried and true slices of hard-earned wisdom from those that came this way before us. For good examples of some of these sayings take a few minutes to search “The Alanon Slogans” or stop by an open AA meeting, the walls will likely be adorned with some common recovery sayings, and you will hear them referenced many times in each meeting.

One of the sayings used often by parents of addicts is that they are learning to “detach with love.” Many parents new to recovery ask about this term when they first hear it. For some, detaching sounds like a great relief after years of hanging on by a thread, tied to their child’s choices. For some parents the idea strikes fear, or even anger and sounds like giving up or severing their connection to their child.

Let’s explore the idea a bit.

There are countless success stories from parents who have improved their overall happiness and peace by applying this concept in the following ways: First, they reach an understanding that detaching with love does not mean caring less or giving up on their child. The parent-child relationship is like no other, our job is to care for them and keep them safe until they can do so on their own. There is no other love like it. The instinct to protect and even to place their well-being above ours is natural and healthy. It is our job! This, however, can go too far. I often use the example that keeping junior from walking into traffic as a toddler is different than keeping junior from facing the consequences of his actions when he gets caught with drugs in high school. When children are young, they rely on parents to be directly involved in most of their decisions because they cannot possibly understand or cope with the consequences. As they grow up the parent must begin to let go of this responsibility and give it to the child allowing them to learn to navigate the world on their own. Eventually allowing them the responsibility for ALL their decisions. This means allowing them to experience the natural consequences, both positive and negative, resulting from their choices.

However, most addicts begin their use when they are teenagers, a time when it is already difficult to decide how much independence is appropriate. Fearful parents witness poor choices and decide to keep the responsibility for themselves. This opens the door to a cycle of protecting their older/adult child from consequences, trying to control their child’s choices, and feeling guilty or worried because they think their child’s choices are due to their own mistakes as a parent. Once these patterns set in, they get entrenched quickly and deeply, which is how many parents end up in a long messy dynamic with their addicted children.

Detaching with love does not mean – withdrawing love, giving up, caring less, never worrying about, or abandoning the child.

Detaching with love does mean – accepting that they cannot control their child’s choices or the consequences of their child’s decisions, accepting that their roles have changed, and letting go and letting God. This also means allowing them to grow up in whatever way they choose to do so even if it is messy, turning the focus inward, and respecting the child’s right to be where they are.

Again, for some parents this new perspective will be welcomed as a long overdue change bringing relief in the knowing that they do not need to stay on the turbulent path their child is on. For others this will be a difficult perspective to implement. For those of you who feel the latter please remember another recovery mantra “progress not perfection” just “keep coming back” to your meetings and you will find yourself growing.

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This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

Please allow me to introduce myself: my name is Judy Engel and I recently completed my Ph.D. degree and a qualitative research study at The Pathway Program. The purpose of this article is to discuss the results of this study on The Pathway Program’s parent support group (more on that later).

My degree is in Psychology with the emphasis on learning and instruction. I have worked as a clinical social worker for various Hospice Organizations, and currently teach students living with an Intellectual Disability. So how did my doctoral studies and research end up at The Pathway Program? The answer to that question lies in my experience as a mother of a son living with a drug addiction:

Why I decided to study the effect of support groups on parents of addicts and substance users

During the past ten years, my son has participated in alcohol and drug rehabilitation programs in Arizona and out-of-state. However, it was a visit with a psychiatric drug and alcohol addiction specialist that spurred me to question the way I had been treated by some professionals in the rehabilitation industry. This specialist had been recommended as one of the “best” practitioners in addiction.

I had called and advised this addiction specialist that my son had expressed suicidal ideations since returning to Arizona from California for the treatment of an opioid addiction. The specialist asked to meet with me and my husband before evaluating our son.

We paid $500 dollars for a 50-minute session to learn that the alcohol and drug rehabilitation services previously offered to our son were significantly flawed in the eyes of the specialist. Additionally, the specialist refused to personally meet with our son and gave us a referral to a private and very expensive drug and alcohol treatment center outside of Arizona. The specialist ended the meeting with the following statement:

“You should prepare to lose your son to drug addiction within the next year.”

Being told to prepare for a substance passing put my husband and I into a state of shock as we silently walked to our car. Finally, my husband stated, “Did we really just pay $500 dollars to hear that our son may die? I have known that from the day I learned he was abusing drugs!”

My response was, “Yes we did, and I will not send our son to any treatment options suggested by that doctor. We will find someone who cares and doesn’t treat substance abusers like “The Walking Dead.” That someone ended up being Joshua Azevedo and the men and women of The Pathway Program.

During this time, the seeds of my study were born. Up until this point, we had been treated as part of the problem. I informed my husband that I was determined to find a science based theoretical model in the field of addiction that recognized parents of addicted children also needed help, support, and hope.

Substance abuse among young people in the United States

Substance use among young-adults in the United States has become a societal problem. One in seven young-adults qualified to be diagnosed with a SUD, and one in four young adults having used an illicit substance within the past thirty-days (SAMSHA, 2019). This level of substance use has the potential to significantly impact the quality-of-life of the parents of these young-adults.

Researchers in the past five years have reported there is a lack of empirically-based research providing information and best practices to benefit the needs of parents in the role of an Affected Family Member (AFM) of a child living with a Substance Use Disorder (SUD).

For the past few years, I have been working on a qualitative study to help determine the effect that support group participation has on parents of addicts, alcoholics, or substance abusers.

The effect of a loved one’s addiction on parents

The Stress Strain Coping Support (SSCS) theoretical model developed by Orford, Copello, Velleman and Templeton in 2010, was designed to support AFMs of individuals living with a SUD. The SSCS theoretical model centers on family health, designed to offer social support and effective coping measures to counter the stress and strain experienced by AFMs.

Dr. Orford has completed research on thousands of AFMs throughout the world. He has provided evidence-based data regarding the ongoing difficult circumstances of unpredictable chaos, moods, behaviors and possible aggression demonstrated by a family member living with a SUD.  In addition, parents of young-adults living with a SUD have reported feeling misunderstood, isolated, and overwhelmed. They are affected by chronic worry, disruption of relationships, loss of financial resources, and possible legal complications related to their young-adult children struggling with addiction (McCann & Lubman, 2018).

Dr. Orford noted AFMs deal with significant levels of ongoing family struggles and stress. These struggles can be in the form of chronic worry, disagreement, hostility, volatility, and sometimes violence, along with the inability to stop a loved one’s addiction. Furthermore, the stress and strain often result in mental, emotional, physical, relational, financial, and occupational problems for an AFM. In addition, Dr. Orford reported families affected by the disease of addiction use the following three coping models:

• Engagement (attempting to control your child’s addiction)
• Tolerant-inactive (putting up with your child’s addiction regardless of the cost to the parent)
• Withdrawal (loving your child while utilizing coping strategies that care for yourself while distancing yourself from the consequences faced by your child’s drug addiction.

The Study

The purpose of the study was to describe the influence that participation in a long-term support group had on components of parental quality-of-life. The methodology used in this qualitative research study involved the following:

1. A face-to-face interview with ten parents of young-adults living with a SUD who had attended a minimum of 12 parent-support meetings
2. A focus-group discussion with 5 of the professional substance abuse counselors at The Pathway Program
3. The completion of 2 Quality-of-Life Inventories completed by the interviewed parents. These were completed prior to attending the Parent Support Group at The Pathway Program and again after 12 weeks of participation.

The Results: Parents of of addicts overwhelmingly report that their quality of life improved with support group participation

The results overwhelmingly supported that parents’ Quality of Life significantly improved following a minimum of 12 weeks of participation in the Parent Support Group meetings. Parents and Counselors consistently reported the strength of the parent support group meetings were found in the overwhelming support and education offered by parents to parents. In addition, the substance abuse counselors were present to offer professional knowledge and support as needed. However, parents led the meetings and determined the meeting topics.

The following six major themes emerged from this qualitative research study:

1. Parents entering the support group felt their child’s SUD resulted in their child becoming a stranger whom they could not control
2. Parents entering the support group reported traumatic levels of distress and helplessness in relation to their child’s SUD
3. Parents’ anxiety about their child’s SUD damaged their health and wellbeing enough to impair their day-to-day functioning
4. Misconceptions about SUDs among parents’ social contacts resulted in feelings of being misunderstood, judged, and a lack of effective support
5. Parent and counselor emotional and social support, education, and skills training improved parents’ quality of life
6. Participation in the parent support group (PSG) improved parents’ quality of life through reduced anxiety, better coping, and reconnection with their child. Overall the results indicated that parents’ health and quality-of-life improved following participation in ‘The Pathway’ parent support group meetings.

Conclusions

So, do support groups for parents of drug addicts or alcoholics have a positive effect? Based on the results of this study, it appears so.

I am forever grateful to Joshua Azevedo and the men and women of The Pathway Program. Their dedication, insight, and leadership in the field of addiction has brought light into a dark arena where parents of adolescents and young-adults living with a SUD suffer and struggle to find hope. The recovery process is tough, and exists in a world full of blame and stigmatization.

I encourage professors of higher education and practitioners in the field of addictions recovery and mental health to take notice of this study. Together we can expand our knowledge and resources to support the parents of adolescents and young-adults suffering from a SUD.

 

In my 25 years of working with parents of those suffering from substance use disorder, few concepts or perspectives stand out as much as “The Three Cs”. The concept comes from the Al-Anon Family Groups, but the idea has spread to countless other family recovery meetings.

The Three Cs:

• You didn’t Cause it
• You can’t Control it
• You can’t Cure it

I have attended an abundance of meetings where parents (who are now full of hope) are enthusiastically sharing this idea and the good news it brings. As they share their own story with the newcomers, specifically, they recount the change in perspective and the freedom this saying brings.

We may wonder why parents who have been attending meetings are so excited to share this concept with newcomers. Why are The Three Cs a regular discussion topic in family recovery meetings and counseling sessions? Why is this concept so valued by members both brand new to recovery and those who have been in recovery for many years?

I believe it is because it sums up a parent’s experience so well; it can bring such an impactful and prolific change to a parent’s view of addiction.

Let’s take a deeper look at what we often believe Caused the problem:

Many parents operate under a false belief that influences their responses to their loved one and forms their self-worth as a parent. This false belief is almost always that it is something they are doing, did, or did not do that caused their child to become addicted to substances. Having this belief leads them to agonize over the little things they said or did in the past, to freeze when decisions need to be made (for fear that they will make things worse), to search for someone else to blame, and to remain in denial of the problem (believing that if they accept the problem, they are admitting that they are a failure as a parent). Sometimes this leads to ignoring blatant evidence to the contrary such as having raised other children who did not become addicted to substances or the fact that addiction runs in the family.

The next false belief is built from the first one. If they believe that they created the problem, then it is within their power to solve (or Control) the problem. This leads to the next set of unhealthy responses, decisions, and actions. At this point we see parents trying everything they can think of to control the problem. Actions such as shielding their loved one from consequences, lecturing, yelling, bribing, manipulating, using guilt, and anything else they think will bring their loved one under control. This is by no means an exhaustive list. Parents often dedicate tremendous amounts of time, energy, and creativity trying to control substance use disorder. Often at the cost of their own sanity, peace, relationships, careers, retirement, and relationships with their other children.

Of course, the problem is that trying to control a person with substance use disorder is like trying to control the weather, it doesn’t happen. We’d never try to control the weather because we know we’d fail, what would change if we knew and believed that we were no more likely to control our loved ones substance use disorder. Belief dictates action.

The last part of this saying is that we can’t Cure it. If we accept the disease model premise for alcoholism/substance use disorder we must accept that we cannot cure it or treat it for any other person. Alcoholics Anonymous defines alcoholism as an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind for which the treatment is a spiritual experience. There are other takes on both the disease and treatments, but we will use this one for now.

Knowing all of this, we can see why The Three Cs provide so much relief for parents when they hear this new perspective. If they can learn to believe differently about the nature of the disease and their role in it with their child, they can start to change their own behavior. The constant worry will dissipate, and the parent will no longer feel like a failure. They will know with confidence that their child must travel their own journey and face their own adversity in life. Once this new belief sets in, the parent can become a loving and enthusiastic supporter without feeling the burden of trying to fix everything.

It is clear why this is such a tremendous weight lifted and why we are likely to hear at most family recovery meetings the simple and profound statement “You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.”

Hope is the belief that we can have something better. When our perspective changes, we can have hope. Because of this hope, our decisions and actions will begin to reflect this change of direction. This change of direction leads us down the path of peace and freedom.

Questions to meditate on or discuss:

Do I believe I caused my child’s substance use disorder?

Do I believe I can control their substance use disorder?

Do I believe I (or anyone else) can cure them?

If I accept The Three Cs as true, how will I act differently?

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This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.