This article was Written by Joshua Azevedo and published in Together AZ. Together AZ is an addiction and recovery-related newspaper based in Scottsdale, Arizona.
How can parents help?
Dealing with a child on drugs is a scary, frustrating and baffling situation for parents. It takes courage, humility and a lot of work for parents to find solutions for themselves and give their children the best chance to recover. The first step is to acknowledge the problem.
How is it so many parents find themselves in denial about their children’s drug abuse? Guilt and fear are two mainstays of denial. Many parents’ worst fear is that their child’s drug use and poor decisions are their fault. It is normal for them to hear co-workers, friends or their own family members make judgments about other parents — saying things like, “Can you believe Johnny’s parents let him act like that? I would never let my kid get away with that.” Some have made similar comments themselves, only to later deal with the frustration of a teen who’s not responding to their best efforts.
These fears keep many parents from reaching out for help, leaving them to deal with a very difficult and emotional situation on their own. Trying to cope by themselves usually compounds the problem. It is common for frustrated parents to point their fingers at schools, society, other kids, other parents, ex-spouses and even current spouses, feeling that if only the world around them would change, so would their child.
As the situation worsens and the young person spirals further out of control, the parents’ desperation grows — causing greater fear, followed by more extreme attempts to control and protect their child. The false belief that they caused the problem leads to a false belief they can fix or remedy the problem with the right combination of discussions, lectures, pleading, threatening, consequences, and even moving their kids to new schools, cities and states.
In most situations these attempts are draining for the family, especially because they don’t achieve the end goal. The child does not stop using drugs. If the child does stop using, it is usually temporary, and eventually he or she falls back into the same behaviors within a short period of time.
So, what should a parent who is stuck in this tiring cycle do? One of the first things parents need to do is stop blaming themselves and each other, and realize that the choices the child is making are his or her own. No one else is to blame. If parents can accept this truth, they can begin to address the needs of their struggling child and make choices that give their child the best opportunity to recover.
Once parents have stopped blaming themselves and others, it will be much easier for them to seek appropriate help for their child and family. They will be able to talk with a counselor or other professional without the debilitating fear that someone else will also blame or shame them for their child’s behaviors and choices.
When seeking help for their child, it is important that parents find support as well. One of the best ways to do this is within some form of parent or family support group for those affected by alcohol and drug abuse. If the child is in treatment, sometimes a support group will be provided for the parents or family members. If not, it is often crucial for recovery that parents find their own local support group.
A support group for parents should focus on family recovery, helping parents feel good about themselves as they learn how to support their child’s recovery and put helpful boundaries in place with their child. Many find this type of support from other parents to be very helpful when dealing with a child newly in treatment or who refuses to get sober. A good parent support group will also provide many stories of hope and always remind parents of one important thing: that they are not alone.
For information about Pathway’s Parent Support Groups, please call 877-921-4050.