An often-repeated piece of advice in recovery is to “get out of yourself.” Usually, this piece of direction is given with the understanding that to get out of ourselves, we need to “get into others.” What our sponsors typically mean when they give this piece of direction is that we should go out of our way to be of service to someone or something. This can come in the form of reaching out to a newcomer, setting up a meeting, helping clean, or just holding the door for someone and asking how their day is going.
What we typically mean when we say “get out of yourself” is: do something that causes you to think of yourself less. This can be achieved by being of service to someone else, or by simply linking up with our positive peer group and having fun for an afternoon or evening. Whether in a traditional 12-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or an enthusiastic sobriety support group, we normally have an abundance of opportunities to do both of these things, provided we are paying attention and looking for opportunities.
But does this piece of advice hold any water in the grand scheme of recovery from drug or alcohol use? Academics have produced a lot of literature on the merits of many addiction recovery tools – mindfulness, meditation, group therapy, family counseling, and support group participation, to name a few. However, the literature is relatively sparse on the benefits of “getting out of ourselves” in recovery – slightly ironic given the fact that helping others is one of the cornerstones of 12-step recovery. One of the most iconic recovery stories is the classic story of AA’s two co-founders, Bill W. and Doctor Bob staying sober by being of service to each other.
There is one source of literature on the topic – numerous studies by Maria Pegano et al have shown the benefits of service and “helping behavior” in adolescent drug and alcohol treatment. While detailing these studies may be the topic of another post, this 2016 article entitled Can Helping Others Keep You Sober? would be a great place to start if you’re interested in learning more.
Why the Emphasis on Helping Others?
Those of us in recovery know the value of “getting out of ourselves and into others,” especially where staying sober and emotionally on track are concerned. We know that when someone is “out of self and serving others,” there are massive positive reward outcomes. People in long term recovery know just what this does for the process of getting and staying sober and what it essentially does in terms of substance addiction relapse outcome studies. These simple “acts” can most assuredly improve quality of life and overall level of happiness.
One of the greatest tools we instinctively know that we have internally is to shift our focus from thinking about ourselves and onto other people when all else fails as a sort of “master key” to humanity. It seems no matter how far down on their luck someone is, human beings just seem to want to render aid and support to someone who needs it even if they are suffering themselves.
Those in 12-Step recovery have known about this for years. It is a recurring theme in 12-step fellowships and literature and recovery circles. In the opening line of Chapter Seven, Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book) itself declares, “practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when all other activities fail.” This book, authored in 1939, had the right idea even 80 years ago when providing strategies to help with our human condition and addictive issues.
What about Taking Care of Ourselves?
We’d like to emphasize the following caveat to everything above – getting out of ourselves is not a replacement for taking care of ourselves. It is simply a piece of the puzzle. There is a reason that the 12-steps also include principles such as self-examination, making amends, and meditation. Additionally, we wouldn’t suggest that someone blow off their IOP program or other counseling / therapy in order to simply serve others or have fun. What we’d simply like to state is that when all of the work on ourselves is done for the day, there’s only one thing left to do: turn the lens away from focusing on ourselves and get some relief. This habit goes a long way towards the healing process.
Why Getting Out of Ourselves Works
When someone has a behavioral or emotional issue, it is something within themselves that they are struggling with. Add to this the fact that when most of us are in pain, we have a tendency to metally laser-focus on the problems in our lives. Most of the time, even the traumas of our past which are still affecting us day-to-day are simply internal emotional hurdles by the time we hit recovery. When we turn our focus away from focusing on ourselves, these emotional hurdles get turned on their head for a little while. This effect is easy to observe even in early recovery from drugs and alcohol. The act of “getting out of self” can add tremendous staying power to our recovery and emotional state as we heal.
How to Get Out of Yourself
As stated above, those of us around enthusiastic sobriety or other forms of 12-step recovery tend to be surrounded by opportunities to get out of ourselves, as long as we’re willing to look for them. Here are some ideas:
- Take a walk
- Call a newcomer and ask how their day is going
- Think of someone in your sober network that you haven’t talked with in a while and call them
- Go to an AA event or sober social activity
- Link up with some sober friends and get an activity started!
Benefits of Getting out of Yourself
Some of the possible positive benefits of getting out of self include:
- Deepening the experience of getting out of the way of problems
- Getting focus off of negative events
- Breaking out of obsessive thinking (or at times completely forgetting whatever it was that was initially occurring)
- Helping us let go of being connected with any problem
- Developing the ability to return to a problem with a clearer perspective
As stated above, getting out of yourself isn’t a catch all tool – we still need to work through our problems and address any behaviors and thoughts that may be impeding our progress. However, some of the best stories about finding joy and connection have started with someone deciding to serve someone else. When you’re done working through whatever issue is eating your proverbial lunch, don’t forget to get out of yourself!