Let’s begin by borrowing what is fondly known as “the acceptance page” from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. This excerpt comes from one of the personal stories of recovery. It is one of the most well-known and often cited paragraphs by those in recovery, and for good reason, it is densely packed with relevant and usable truth.

It reads as follows:

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”

This perspective can be as helpful to a parent or loved one as it can be to an alcoholic/addict because the desire to control outcomes or other people affects both the addict and parent.

First let’s take a look at the addict.

Addicts despise feeling out of control and are very uncomfortable with accepting things that don’t go their way. They often attempt to control everything around them, including their emotional state, particularly the way that they feel right now. The drugs and alcohol help them to accomplish this.

How many parents have been on the receiving end of controlling addicts? Trick question, it’s probably all of them. Addicts regularly set up situations in order to get their way. Most are very capable at this, they use varying tactics including: being nice when convenient, rehashing past mistakes of the parent, emotional blackmail, manipulation, dishonesty, threats, guilt, self-pity, and even violence. Being on the receiving end of these behaviors can be very hard to cope with.

Reflect for a moment and think about a situation where somebody tried to control you and how it felt. What was your reaction? Did it motivate you to want to comply?

Now let’s look at the parent. What is a parent usually trying to control?

Usually, parents are attempting to control the addict, the world around the addict and the outcomes of their addiction. Parents often use many of the same tactics as listed above to try to make the addict do what is best for them.

Take a moment to think about it. When have you tried to control something or someone you are powerless over? How do you think that made the other person feel? Sometimes when we take a deeper look, we see that we have more in common with the addict than we first thought.

The solution proposed in the above excerpt from AA offers a solution that works for addicts and parents alike.

To put this acceptance into action is to admit that we are powerless over just about everything other than ourselves and to acknowledge the reality that we must let go of the illusion of control. We must stop playing God. We must turn inward and focus on the little power we do have, the power over our behavior and choices. Here we turn to God to handle the rest of the universe, including our loved ones, as He sees fit.

What we invariably find is that this acknowledgment of powerlessness and acceptance of it is actually a key to real peace. Once we become aware that we are not responsible for the outcome of other’s lives or the world as a whole, life becomes much simpler. We can then focus on our own behavior and choices.

Once we are practicing acceptance, we can see much more beauty in the world. Many of the things we were frustrated about look a lot different and it becomes much easier to see God’s work in daily life. We can then focus on Gratitude instead of fear and anger; laughter and joy even have room to exist in this state of mind.

This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

Parents come to PAL or other support groups usually after suffering a tremendous amount of stress, fear and struggle. Once they reach this point of defeat, they seek support, and what they usually find is that their awareness grows quickly and immensely. Many feel “I can’t believe I didn’t find this earlier“ or “why doesn’t everybody know about this?” Through attending the meetings, they learn about addiction and how the family is affected, they quickly begin to see that many of their responses to the addict are not helping the addict or themselves. Sometimes even becoming aware that they are perpetuating dysfunction.

Simultaneously, as they are gaining hope and learning practical solutions, potential for change becomes a reality. Parents gain hope for themselves and for their child when they are able to identify with other parents who were once in their shoes, struggling, but are now happy and thriving whether the addict is sober or not. They find mentors who inspire them to grow and make changes and give hope that they can be free of the effect of an addiction in their lives.

Early in the process when parents first reach out for help and start attending a support group, they often desire a huge leap, a breakthrough change that comes all at once. Although this does happen occasionally it is not the norm. A more typical journey may be that the awareness shift within is quick, but the outer response when presented with a stressful situation with the addict takes more time to change.

Many changes will come quickly, but on occasion it is common for a parent to slip back into old behaviors or patterns. This can be terribly frustrating for the parent because they may think to themselves, “I know better!” but that is not all there is to it. We know better when it comes to many things. Everybody has had a bad or a good habit that is hard to break, or something they know that they should or ought to do but then when it comes into reality it doesn’t go like we planned. Conditioned responses to stressful situations with loved ones can be particularly difficult to change. For many parents, the responses to the addict took a long time to develop and are really ingrained. Asking a parent who has been doing it for 20 years to immediately stop enabling an addict, is akin to asking them to slam dunk a basketball, it is unlikely.

Thankfully, this is not a cause for concern and definitely not a reason to give up or fall into self-pity. What we are really seeking in recovery is progress not perfection. The hope given to us by the meetings, our new friends and mentors, and all of the new awareness provides us with an ideal to strive for. It gives us a picture of what we would like healthy interactions with our addicted children to be like, calm in the face of calamity. There’s not an expectation to meet this ideal in a certain period of time, it is critical for parents not to be too hard on themselves. Recovery is a marathon not a sprint, and it would be unwise to tire yourself too early. It is great to have a goal to aim for, i.e., I am not going to enable my addicted loved one’s substance use any longer, but every single action taken will not be perfect going forward. Even a little improvement at a time is great for peace of mind.

So, as you develop a picture of how you would like to respond to the addict in your life and any other life challenges you may be experiencing, please be mindful to account for the progress and strides forward rather than focusing on what you haven’t done yet. If you have a setback, bring it up in a meeting and make a plan for next time.

It’s very important to remember that making mistakes and having setbacks is a normal part of the recovery journey and life in general. It took time to build the perspectives, responses, fears, and anger that drove you to seek help, and it will take time to change those responses.

A Caveat: “Progress, not perfection” is not to be used as an excuse. Addicts often use it as a rationalization excuse during arguments saying things such as, “At least I left you a few dollars for bus fare when I stole your wallet!”

A couple of mental activities to help with seeing the progress in ourselves and others:

Count your little wins.

Can you name a few lately?

Have you seen your spouse make progress?

Have you seen another parent at a meeting make progress?

Do you take time to acknowledge it to them?

Remind yourself that we are all a work in progress, nobody has life down perfect or the right response for every situation. Do your best to grow with each opportunity and never lose hope.

This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

Dealing with addiction is scary, painful, and taxing on any family. Addiction is almost never expected, so most families don’t spend any time preparing for it. It’s as if you are moving through life normally and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a whirlwind of insanity where the normal rules of life do not seem to apply, and often actually don’t.

Many addicts when questioned during some of the worst times in their addiction about how they arrived where they are, are baffled. They might basically know it was their decision to use drugs and alcohol along with other poor decisions that led them to the spot they are in; however, the truth is they often do not truly understand why or how they ended up there. Many times, they say things such as: “I never intended to let things get to this point” or “I’ve tried to stop myself, but I haven’t been able to.”  Parents echo these sentiments saying to themselves and others “How did this happen?” “Why did this happen to us?” “Did we do something wrong?” Or “Is there something wrong with our family or with our kid?” It is easy to ask these things and fall into negative reflection of the past. Parents and addicts alike can find themselves lamenting over unfulfilled plans and dreams and wishing things were different. Sometimes this can even spiral into severe self-pity or depression. Many are hoping they will wake up to find that it is all just a bad dream.

Clinging to these unmet expectations about life and just waiting for “all of this” to end can become part of the problem and keep any member of the family sick. “Am I supposed to be happy about it?” you ask!

No. At least not yet. What I will suggest is to begin a change of perspective that starts with acceptance of the current situation. The sooner the addiction and all that comes with it is accepted, the sooner healing can begin.

To find meaning in adversity is within our power, controlling the adversity we face is not. I have heard many addicts say, “I wish I had a different set of problems other than addiction” and although the sentiment is understandable, they only begin a spiritual awaking when they realize its futility.

By this time, we know there is no wishing it all away.

Once the addict or parents have accepted the problem, that is usually when they decide to seek help in facing it. That is when despair is often met with hope and love. They reach out and find PAL or other support where they learn they are not alone and that there is a way forward. Addicts find support groups of people they identify with and they see a way out too. This begins the process of a total change of perspective for many families. Every day there are people in recovery who share stories of how they thought addiction was the worst thing that could ever happen to them, they thought their lives were over at first, but after some time in recovery, they look back saying things like, “I wouldn’t change my journey.” “It took what it took for me to find a relationship with God.” “If I hadn’t gone down this road I would not be who I am today.”  “My relationship with my family is better than ever.”  Or “I appreciate what I have in life more than I ever have.”

Families of these same addicts often voice similar things in parent support group meetings saying things such as “I would never have chosen this path, but I have definitely learned a lot about myself as a result.”

Now, going back to the name of this post…

The concept that God writes straight with crooked lines is often expressed in recovery. It means that we often end up where we really wanted and needed to go (which is closer to God and becoming better people), but the journey does not usually go in the straight line we were hoping it would. Happiness, joy, self-awareness and spiritual development are all too often found in places we would not think to look or are convinced there could be nothing good there. We are lucky that God knows better!

I’ll leave you with a few questions to reflect on and ask yourself:

What are some of the crooked lines that have come out of your journey?

What have you learned that you thought you never would have?

What positive things have happened along the way to build your faith in God?

Ah yes, there’s that change in perspective.

This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.