Regularly, I hear baffled parents recount interactions with their addicted children, wondering things such as: “Why did I agreed to that? How did I get talked into this? I can’t believe I said that to my kid! I totally went back on what I and my spouse agreed to. I am able to be completely logical in most situations, why can’t I be when I am talking to my son/daughter?”

These interactions leave parents wondering how they allow themselves to be manipulated or distracted from how they intended to respond to their child.

What happens?

I can’t answer that thoroughly in 1,000 words or less, but here are some concepts to reflect upon that may help you to understand what is happening.

To start, let’s discuss a couple of traits that are common among addicts. First, they are often emotional and desperate, leading them (knowingly or unknowingly) to set up situations and interactions that they perceive as emergencies. High drama is often created by ignoring life’s daily maintenance. So, when things go wrong or threaten to have consequences their problems become urgent and highly emotional. Sometimes these emotional situations are a tactic to get what they want or avoid what they do not want.

Second, they have become accustomed to and dependent upon instant gratification. When they are gratified, they can be at peace; but the second gratification begins to go, panic ensues. They begin to urgently wonder things like: Where will I get my next high? How will I get money? How will I get out of this situation I got myself into (relationship, rent, job, school, finances, legal, etc.)?

Now let’s discuss how these traits can affect interactions with the parent(s).

During these interactions with the addict, the parent is put under duress to help or fix situations and to do it right now! It is already incredibly difficult not to become emotional when our children are now agitated and in a hurry. This being said, it is easy to end up in the same emotional state that the child is.

Once a parent is in a heightened emotional space their judgement also becomes cloudy. This increases the chance of the parent themselves doing things such as making rash, emotional, and quick decisions.

The following are types of responses or reactions often made in this heightened state:

• Appeasing
• Punishing the addict
• Making decisions without consulting a spouse or co-parent to create a united front
• Not asking for help/guidance from a spiritual advisor or another parent in recovery
• Failing to look at the facts
• Failing to contextualize the facts
• Letting fear guide decisions
• Avoiding problems

When we are fearful and emotional it is very hard to think clearly. There are even biological changes caused by stress (fight or flight response) which compromise our decision-making processes. The addict is often in this place of fight or flight, and they can bring the parent right down to their level if allowed.

As a parent who is trying to change how you respond to your addict, a “pause” can allow you time to think and redirect even deeply entrenched patterns of response. This pause can help stop the insanity of the moment (which we will define for this purpose as doing the same thing over and expecting a different result).

How many times has a decision we regret or retract been made because we were hasty or emotional (agitated, fearful, angry, doubtful, guilty, tired, hungry)? A few moments, minutes, days, or even weeks can change our state of mind and allow us to become thoughtful and mindful about our response to a given situation. Sometimes the best answer to give your addicted loved one or anyone for that matter is “I will have to get back to you.”

Remember that many people, especially the emotional and instant gratification seeking addict, will not like this. However, it may be the only way to keep your peace of mind and truly feel good about your responses. In addition, and in most circumstances, any time an addict has to wait (real emergencies aside) is probably good for them, it may even allow them to problem solve and offer a chance for them to build self-esteem.

To wrap things up, let’s talk about a few more solutions you can use if you know you are going to be engaging in a potentially emotional conversation or situation. You can use these ideas to plan future situations, this will help you to remain calm and focused:

Discuss situations/decisions with your spouse or co-parent prior to the interactions and have the interactions together with the addict to create a true “united front.”

• Go to a public place for the conversation.
• Let go of the outcome prior to the interaction.
• Have an exit prepared. If the conversation goes nowhere, you do not have to stay in it.
• Try to avoid engaging in a conversation when you are already stressed.
• Consult a spiritual advisor or parent who relates to your situation prior to potentially hard conversations.
• Try to avoid interactions while you have any kind of time pressure on you (e.g., If you have to be at work in ten minutes the conversation should probably wait).

In closing, I will leave you with something to meditate upon – What is the best way for
you to pause and restore your clarity and peace of mind?

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This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

Looking for a surefire way to ruin your day, month, year, even all your golden years?

Try this… let’s judge yesterday’s actions with today’s information.

Take what you know today, with all your experience and knowledge; then look back over your life, make sure to focus directly on your parenting and sort through each detail. The next step is taking what you know now, with today’s information, and judge all your past decisions. Notice all your mistakes and say things to yourself like, I should have, I could have, and I would have.

See how that works! Instant misery. Now that you are good and depressed, let’s talk about judging yesterday’s actions with today’s information. As absurd as it may seem laid out in the above way, it is one of the primary ways that parents stay stuck, sick, and unhappy. Many parents of addicts do this to themselves for years, always with negative results. This mentality of judging past decisions with new information fosters low self-esteem, depression, guilt, poor relationships, and even poor health. The regret and guilt created by doing this can keep a parent engaged in a dynamic with their adult children that allows the child to avoid the natural consequences of their addiction.

Sometimes parents might judge others’ (spouse, schools, law enforcement, friends, etc.) past actions in relation to their child and blame them for their child’s problems and addiction. This mindset succeeds in keeping the addict in the victim role rather than allowing the addict to take ownership over what he/she must change in order to recover. This mindset is also often used by parents to avoid that persistent and scary (FALSE) belief that it is their fault that their child is faced with addiction.

If you can see the insanity in judging yesterday’s actions with today’s information, what can you do to change this mentality?

First and foremost, know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This is where parent meetings are critical. Discussion with others who have walked this path will help tremendously; a burden shared is halved. There is a difference between knowing there are other parents out there who have dealt with addicted kids and actually spending time talking with them. There is enormous relief from shared experience and identification with others.

Educate yourself about addiction; anyone who understands addiction knows it is almost never the parent’s fault and that the only way for addicts to recover is for them to take responsibility for their own lives. It is really challenging for them to do this and nearly impossible if the parents won’t let go, stop fixing everything, and begin to recover themselves.

Focus on today’s actions, dwelling on the past is never useful. Take todays new information you are learning from other parents and only apply it to today. When we apply a solution to the here and now it can really help effect change instead of keeping us stuck in the past. So, let’s try this again…. Looking for a great way to help you enjoy your day, month, year, or even the rest of your golden years? Try the above positive suggestions and remember that you are powerless over the choices of others but have the power to feel good about yourself as a parent right now!

With Love,
Josh Azevedo, LISAC

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This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

How can parents continue to grow and develop in their recovery over time?

Parents often come to their first meeting feeling hopeless and the first thing they usually learn is that they are not alone. Knowing this is a tremendous relief. Finding others who are willing to listen and can identify with their story is a great start. Next, parents often realize that although they might have come seeking to learn how to change their child, or addicted loved one, they are finding out it is actually themselves who they will need to work on and change.

This opens up a tremendous learning period, a true paradigm shift, and a new way of looking at themselves, their loved one and addiction as a whole. Parents then change long-term behaviors, learn to let go of control, work through anger and hurt, become free of guilt and taking responsibility for others actions, learn to work with their spouse better, learn to communicate with their child, get educated about addiction and more. So, while they originally came for their child, they stay involved for themselves and their own growth. As their tools develop, so does their sense of comradery and friendship with the other attendees of their meetings. Parents often find themselves attending even when everything is going well, just to see a friend. A recovery meeting is often one of the brightest spots in their week regardless of how their child doing.

Once the parent reaches this point it is an important time to borrow a concept from the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The most important part of the 12-step recovery program is helping others by giving back. There is nobody who can reach an alcoholic like another alcoholic and the same concept applies to parents; there is nobody better (experts included) than a parent of an addicted child to help another parent of an addicted child. One parent talking to another is the absolute best way a parent can receive help. Those who have tried it know: the real magic of recovery is that the person helping gains as much benefit as the person they are trying to help, if not more. Giving back is very important for long term recovery. A paradox of the program is that you must give it away in order to keep it. Just as the addict who does not help other addicts often relapses, parents who do not dedicate some time to helping other parents often relapse into old behaviors.

The best way to reap the long-term rewards of recovery such as peace, self-love, happiness and freedom found in recovery is to give it back to somebody else. In this way, recovery is a lifelong process of always having your hand out to the next parent who is in the place that you once were and always doing your part to let another know that they are not alone. There’s another AA saying that applies here:

I am responsible.

When anyone anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there, and for that I am responsible.

Any PAL parent can supplement this saying into their own recovery and make a commitment to themselves to practice gratitude for their recovery by taking responsibility to help the next parent in need.

So, to continue to reap the rewards of recovery that you have found and continue to grow in your own life, remember the best way to learn something is to teach it to another, and always remember to give it away to keep it!

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This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

Having a child with an addiction can create a lot of chaos and discomfort in a family. Most people who find themselves reading this blog will know this from first-hand experience. Participation in a parent recovery program introduces perspective changes that help parents to cope with incredibly difficult situations. One of these changes seen in both parents and addicts in recovery is that they are able to take the discomfort and pain that accompanies addiction and turn it into an opportunity to take a deep look inward at themselves. Often, I’ve seen them turn discomfort and chaos into a positive catalyst for change, growth, and self-improvement.

So, what are the roadblocks to change?

The avoidance of discomfort is a common way both parents and addicts stay stuck. Think of the parent who does not want to upset the applecart by placing healthy boundaries in the relationship, or the addict who does not want to face the discomfort of living in their own skin without chemicals or face the growing up that must come with recovery. The larger the potential for discomfort and the further away the payoff for change seems to be, the easier it is to avoid even trying.

When parents begin to feel hopeless, the avoidance of an uncomfortable change can become worse and behavior that keeps them stuck can set in. These behaviors can look any of the following ways: justifying current or past unhealthy responses to the addict, justifying the addict’s behavior, accepting that the addict is a victim, finding reasons to delay change, waiting for a day when the perfect conditions exist to act (the problem here is that the perfect conditions may not ever appear), or lowering the bar for how they allow themselves to be treated. If you have ever found yourself in this insanity loop, doing the same things over and over and getting the same results, you are definitely not alone. This type of insanity is a predictable, but unhappy way to live.

Do not lose hope.

Our greatest moments of pain are usually when we reach for a helping hand, and when we most fervently seek God. Adversity and challenge, although painful, can bring the best out of us. We may even surprise ourselves by being able to respond to difficult situations and come out the other side not only having survived, but also having learned something valuable. Courage and faith are necessary for change when we are afraid or in pain.

The perspective change of seeing our problems and discomforts as opportunities to be welcomed and as a chance to grow goes a long way to end suffering and provide opportunity for recovery.

Once a parent decides they are willing to withstand discomfort, they can stop making the addict comfortable and allow them to deal with the natural and logical consequences of their life choices. This allows the addict to have a real opportunity to take a look at their lives and make a decision to recover. They may or may not take the opportunity, but at the very least the parent can know they created the chance.

Having a support group for encouragement and support is critical in tolerating the discomfort that comes with these changes. There are countless stories of parents struggling to sleep when deciding not to return late night calls, saying “no more money,” and not bailing children out of jail. Having someone to call can make the unbearable, bearable. The support group also provides hope, because other parents have been able to change and feel good about themselves. There are also countless stories of recovering addicts sharing that the moment of willingness to change was preceded by a moment when no one came to their aid and they accepted it was time for a change. Many of these addicts report extreme gratitude for these moments saying things such as “I am so glad my parents had finally had enough or I would still be out using, incarcerated or possibly dead.”

So, we can now ask ourselves:

Is there a change I need to make that I am avoiding?

If I choose comfort all of the time, am I missing a chance for a positive change?

Am I keeping somebody else from an opportunity to change because I want to be comfortable?

and ultimately….

Am I willing to be uncomfortable in order to grow?

Many PAL parents have answered these questions and taken steps to find recovery, peace of mind and freedom from addiction. They have turned their discomfort, pain and fear into hope, faith, and peace of mind. Their experience can provide a roadmap for any parent who is ready to do the same.

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This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.