Category Archives: Family Support for Addiction

Gears with the words true and false engraved on them.

Beliefs and Actions

By on September 3rd, 2021 in Family Support for Addiction, Substance Abuse Recovery Tools

I have mentioned in previous blog posts that parents in crisis often act on what I perceive to be false beliefs. Some examples of this follow: they think they can control other people’s choices, can fix addiction in a loved one, that their child’s addiction is somehow their fault, that addicts are victims, etc. I do not wish to assert that I always know true from false beliefs, I merely wish to share what I have learned from my own experience.

I would also like to further discuss the idea that we act out our belief systems. This being the case, our actions can tell us a lot about what we do and do not believe about addiction and recovery. I hope this discussion will help to identify false beliefs and affirm that both beliefs and actions can be changed for the better. These changes will most often yield better results in life such as more happiness and peace.

Let’s work backwards as we seek to unearth beliefs that we may be hiding from ourselves. You may ask “Why would anybody hide a belief from themselves, wouldn’t that be preposterous?” “Shouldn’t we all know our own beliefs and motives?” In my experience the human being is masterful at denial and can hide unpleasant, unpopular, and undesirable character traits from themselves. An example of this is the addicted loved one who says they do not believe that using drugs and living an addicted lifestyle is hurting anybody other than themselves. Not so preposterous, huh? If they were to accept the damage their choices were creating, they would either need to change or admit they do not care.

Let’s take a deeper look. If a parent’s actions are to bail their child out of trouble, what does this say about their belief in their child’s ability to handle adversity? If questioned, the parent may answer, “I know my child cannot handle adversity, I have witnessed it.” This often makes clear the premise guiding their actions. They believe their child cannot handle the situation. Once this belief is identified, a parent can challenge the belief or at least discuss it in their recovery meeting or with a spiritual advisor or mentor. Maybe they decide they want to keep the belief, but the challenge is always worthwhile.

Here are a few open-ended questions to ask yourself and discuss with another parent or spiritual advisor.

  • I do not say no when I want to because I believe….
  • I enable because I believe…
  • I do not take care of myself because I believe..
  • I am stressed often because I believe…
  • I am stuck living in an addiction cycle because I believe…
  • I keep doing ________ which I don’t feel good about because I believe…

Try working the formula on anything you are stuck on. Does it help to identify the belief?

Once we pinpoint a belief that does not serve us, we can challenge the belief, discuss it with another and work it all the way out to make a change. Warning! This often takes commitment and does not happen overnight. Once this ineffective belief has been brought to light and has been moved from the unconscious to the conscious, the next challenge is to turn the new awareness into new action. When we change the behavior, we start to see a change in results.

These watershed moments where new awareness is gained can go a long way. It is a good habit to frequently pause and take a quick assessment of our current state of mind and progress in recovery, asking ourselves what our actions show that we believe.

A few more questions to meditate on:

  • Do my actions truly reflect what I say I believe?
  • If I believe my child’s journey is their own, what is my role?
  • If I believe there is hope, how would I act from now on?
  • If I do not believe I cause my child’s addiction, how would I respond?
  • If I believe in God, do my actions reflect this?

Let’s apply the concept to an addicted loved one. Their sponsor or counselor is often doing just that. Remember if we believe addicts are victims, we will treat them as such and aid them staying sick.

  • If staying sober is important to you, then why do you avoid meetings?
  • If staying sober is important to you, why do you keep the same company as you did when you were using?
  • If family is important to you, why do you lie to them?
  • If growing up is important, why don’t you hold a job?
  • If being trusted is important to you, why aren’t you trustworthy?

Their actions always create great insight into their belief systems. The answer sometimes is simply that these things are not yet important to them, but they desire to have others believe that they are.

An urgent reminder: if we allow ourselves to be blind to our beliefs and unaccountable for our actions, it is likely that we will in turn allow our addicted loved ones to do the same.

It is also important to remember the concept “progress not perfection,” be gentle but firm with yourself and seek out as many self-defeating beliefs as you can. Who knows, you might even have some fun doing so and meet some great friends along the way.

This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

A pen and paper that says "are we on the same page?"

A House United | Presenting a United Front

By on August 6th, 2021 in Family Support for Addiction

One of the first things parents who have a child abusing drugs and alcohol can ask themselves is, are we one the same page about how we want to respond?

The answer varies, but is often no.

This is one of the critical issues that will need to be addressed in order for the individual with the substance use disorder and the family to begin to heal.

Parents not only come into their relationships with different life experiences and ways of being raised, but they also often have different beliefs about addiction, discipline, communication, parenting and problem solving. These differing beliefs can really stand out when dealing with an addict child as each parent operates based on what they believe and on their individual experiences.

When they disagree with their spouse or co-parent about the way to deal with the addict it is easy to play the blame game. This is often magnified if there has been a divorce. Each parent can develop a mindset of, “if we had done it my way we wouldn’t be in this mess.” The blaming can continue into, “you always do (fill in the blank) and that’s why he/she is like this.” This mindset will create a further divide in the relationship at a time when unity is needed most. It leads to inconsistency in responses to the addict’s poor choices and behavior, which is easily exploited by the addict.

Divide and conquer is an easy tactic for a child, much less a grown addict when mom and dad are already laying the groundwork for them by showing disagreement. Addicts, being artful manipulators, pit mom and dad against each other. Letting their parents fight it out while they get what they want, to take the focus off of their addiction. They know which parent is sensitive to which pleas, manipulations or guilt. This creates a huge crack for them to slip through and avoid accountability for their lifestyle. All the while the parents feel more alone because they are getting more and more angry, hurt, and frustrated at each other every time they are undermined by the other parent.

The first step to make a change in this dynamic is the same as the first step in recovery, it is admitting that there is a problem. Once parents acknowledge that they are making it easy for the addict to exploit their divide, they can become willing to compromise and listen further to their partner or co-parent and get on the same page.

Another step once the problem is recognized is for parents to acknowledge all of the things they have not been on the same page about when it comes to dealing with the addict, and then discuss them with an objective third party. This can be another parent or couple at a parent support group meeting, an addiction professional, knowledgeable clergy, or anyone else who is WELL informed about addiction and recovery. This discussion will require both parents to be willing to let go of blaming each other and be ready to compromise so that both parents can feel confident in the plan moving forward. Hopefully this leads to building a true united front where the parents become a team again and can effectively navigate situations that pose potential trouble.

The following are some simple tools to avoid getting caught off guard and to obtain and maintain a united front. Some pitfalls to steer clear of are listed as well.

Responses to the addict that will help keep a united front:

  • “I will discuss this with your mother or father.”
  • “If you need an answer now, it is no.”
  • “My answer is the same as mom’s/dad’s.”

Helpful tools to stay on the same page with your spouse/co-parent:

  • Have conversations together rather than being divided.
  • Call on a third party if there is a dispute between the two of you, an experienced parent (not your best friend who agrees with you) is ideal.
  • Listen to the other parent’s point of view and try to understand their perspective.
  • It is more important to create and present a united front than it is to have the perfect answer, as long as both parents can live with the answer presented.
  • There will need to be compromise, and there should be consistency when it comes to family and parental decisions.

Tools to ensure healthier conversations with the addict:

  • Prepare for known conversations ahead of time.
  • Keep each other posted about what is going on with the addict. If the addict tries to manipulate or “get around” you, let them know that “mom/dad told me what is going on.”
  • It is a good idea to have the parent who is currently feeling stronger and more convicted lead or have the communications with the child.

Watch out for and avoid:

  •  Saying things like “I wouldn’t care but we should ask mom.”
  •  Agreeing with the child to keep anything from the other parent. It is never a good idea to keep a secret for an addict.
  • Buying into the “you are the only one who understands me” talk from the addict.

Sometimes marriages suffer when parents do not have a united front, the worst cases can end in divorce. Another reality is that if the child dies as a result of their addiction the parents will need each other to lean on. If they are blaming one another they won’t be able to provide this support for each other and addiction will have destroyed not only the child’s life but the entire family.

The relationship between spouses and in turn the family itself can and does withstand the stress of having an addict in the family if parents can manage their feelings and perspectives, refrain from blaming, and focus on building strength in the relationship. Not only can parents thrive and support each other, but there is a much better chance that the addict will sober up eventually as there will be less unhealthy escape routes provided for them. A healthy family to be a part of also provides a great incentive to be sober.

This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

Clouds in the sky.

The Three C’s

By on July 12th, 2021 in Family Support for Addiction, Parent Recovery

In my 25 years of working with parents of those suffering from substance use disorder, few concepts or perspectives stand out as much as “The Three Cs”. The concept comes from the Al-Anon Family Groups, but the idea has spread to countless other family recovery meetings.

The Three Cs:

  • You didn’t Cause it
  • You can’t Control it
  • You can’t Cure it

I have attended an abundance of meetings where parents (who are now full of hope) are enthusiastically sharing this idea and the good news it brings. As they share their own story with the newcomers, specifically, they recount the change in perspective and the freedom this saying brings.

We may wonder why parents who have been attending meetings are so excited to share this concept with newcomers. Why are The Three Cs a regular discussion topic in family recovery meetings and counseling sessions? Why is this concept so valued by members both brand new to recovery and those who have been in recovery for many years?

I believe it is because it sums up a parent’s experience so well; it can bring such an impactful and prolific change to a parent’s view of addiction.

Let’s take a deeper look at what we often believe Caused the problem:

Many parents operate under a false belief that influences their responses to their loved one and forms their self-worth as a parent. This false belief is almost always that it is something they are doing, did, or did not do that caused their child to become addicted to substances. Having this belief leads them to agonize over the little things they said or did in the past, to freeze when decisions need to be made (for fear that they will make things worse), to search for someone else to blame, and to remain in denial of the problem (believing that if they accept the problem, they are admitting that they are a failure as a parent). Sometimes this leads to ignoring blatant evidence to the contrary such as having raised other children who did not become addicted to substances or the fact that addiction runs in the family.

The next false belief is built from the first one. If they believe that they created the problem, then it is within their power to solve (or Control) the problem. This leads to the next set of unhealthy responses, decisions, and actions. At this point we see parents trying everything they can think of to control the problem. Actions such as shielding their loved one from consequences, lecturing, yelling, bribing, manipulating, using guilt, and anything else they think will bring their loved one under control. This is by no means an exhaustive list. Parents often dedicate tremendous amounts of time, energy, and creativity trying to control substance use disorder. Often at the cost of their own sanity, peace, relationships, careers, retirement, and relationships with their other children.

Of course, the problem is that trying to control a person with substance use disorder is like trying to control the weather, it doesn’t happen. We’d never try to control the weather because we know we’d fail, what would change if we knew and believed that we were no more likely to control our loved ones substance use disorder. Belief dictates action.

The last part of this saying is that we can’t Cure it. If we accept the disease model premise for alcoholism/substance use disorder we must accept that we cannot cure it or treat it for any other person. Alcoholics Anonymous defines alcoholism as an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind for which the treatment is a spiritual experience. There are other takes on both the disease and treatments, but we will use this one for now.

Knowing all of this, we can see why The Three Cs provide so much relief for parents when they hear this new perspective. If they can learn to believe differently about the nature of the disease and their role in it with their child, they can start to change their own behavior. The constant worry will dissipate, and the parent will no longer feel like a failure. They will know with confidence that their child must travel their own journey and face their own adversity in life. Once this new belief sets in, the parent can become a loving and enthusiastic supporter without feeling the burden of trying to fix everything.

It is clear why this is such a tremendous weight lifted and why we are likely to hear at most family recovery meetings the simple and profound statement “You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.”

Hope is the belief that we can have something better. When our perspective changes, we can have hope. Because of this hope, our decisions and actions will begin to reflect this change of direction. This change of direction leads us down the path of peace and freedom.

Questions to meditate on or discuss:

Do I believe I caused my child’s substance use disorder?

Do I believe I can control their substance use disorder?

Do I believe I (or anyone else) can cure them?

If I accept The Three Cs as true, how will I act differently?

This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.