It is natural for parents to respond when their children struggle. When parents become aware that their child is experiencing discomfort, they instinctively take steps to try and help. Whether the issue is with illness, emotional distress, financial problems, injury, or any other adversity. This instinct is a powerful motivator and addiction creates an ideal situation for this natural response to go too far, potentially to the point of creating unmanageability in the parent’s life and negatively affecting the rest of the family. A common theme when there is an addicted child in the family is for the addict to continually be in some form of distress. As they make a series of drug/alcohol-related decisions, they dig deeper into a hole and are always trying to avoid or mitigate the consequences. If parents are wrapped up in this cycle with the addict, it is easy to get into a “squeaky wheel gets the grease” pattern.

A parent who is distressed about their child’s distress, and perpetually focused on the struggling child, can easily have their attention turned away from other children and relationships that require maintenance. Inadvertently this can lead to neglected relationships, often with their other children. Many families with an addict child have unknowingly allowed other damaging dynamics to develop with the addict’s siblings.

Here are some common perspectives reported by siblings:

• Feeling neglected due to the attentions focused on the addict.
• Feeling that they must have a problem to receive attention.
• Not seeking help because they feel guilty that their parents are already stressed.
• Feeling that their hard work and commitment to “toeing the line” are unnoticed.
• Having mixed emotions about seeing parents spend tremendous resources, both time and money, on the sibling who does everything wrong.
• Building resentment toward their sibling for the chaos in the family as they watch their parents’ struggle.
• Feeling the expectations set for the addict are lower than they are for them. “I am expected to get good grades, but mom is happy if he just doesn’t do drugs for a few days.”

Here are some ideas and solutions that have worked for parents who recognized these issues in their families:

• FIRST, go to a parent support group and get support for yourself. Your new tools to respond to the addict will go a long way with their siblings. When siblings see their parent changing it is validating and gives them hope.
• Make a conscious effort to attend to relationships with your other children.
• Allow siblings to voice concerns.
• Be aware if the addict is receiving special treatment.
• Refrain from oversharing stress, it can add fuel to a burning resentment against the addict and or parent. It is best to discuss these issues with parents in your support group.
• If there is a recovery process happening such as counseling, treatment, or support groups, offer to involve siblings when it is available and allow them to avoid it if they don’t want to participate.
• Sharing the addict’s day-to-day struggles can contribute to resentful feelings if it does not involve the sibling. It may be better to share it with someone else.
• Offer to attend family counseling or get them a counselor of their own.
• Make home a sanctuary, keep intense confrontations or drama created by the addict on neutral ground rather than in the house.

Overall, just taking the time to realize that the siblings are being affected not only by the addict’s behavior but also by the parent’s response to it, is a great start. This awareness is the beginning of change for many parents. It does not change the fact that the squeaky wheel will get the needed grease, but it is a good reminder to remember the other wheels need care as well before they also become squeaky. By attending to everybody’s needs to the best of their ability a parent can set the course for whole family recovery and healing.

This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

If you spend any time around addiction recovery circles you are bound to hear a lot of recovery lingo. Mottos, sayings, and acronyms abound – and for good reason. These sayings are tremendously wise and pack helpful tools and perspectives into short memorable sayings that are easy to recall in a moment of stress. These indispensable tools are tried and true slices of hard-earned wisdom from those that came this way before us. For good examples of some of these sayings take a few minutes to search “The Alanon Slogans” or stop by an open AA meeting, the walls will likely be adorned with some common recovery sayings, and you will hear them referenced many times in each meeting.

One of the sayings used often by parents of addicts is that they are learning to “detach with love.” Many parents new to recovery ask about this term when they first hear it. For some, detaching sounds like a great relief after years of hanging on by a thread, tied to their child’s choices. For some parents the idea strikes fear, or even anger and sounds like giving up or severing their connection to their child.

Let’s explore the idea a bit.

There are countless success stories from parents who have improved their overall happiness and peace by applying this concept in the following ways: First, they reach an understanding that detaching with love does not mean caring less or giving up on their child. The parent-child relationship is like no other, our job is to care for them and keep them safe until they can do so on their own. There is no other love like it. The instinct to protect and even to place their well-being above ours is natural and healthy. It is our job! This, however, can go too far. I often use the example that keeping junior from walking into traffic as a toddler is different than keeping junior from facing the consequences of his actions when he gets caught with drugs in high school. When children are young, they rely on parents to be directly involved in most of their decisions because they cannot possibly understand or cope with the consequences. As they grow up the parent must begin to let go of this responsibility and give it to the child allowing them to learn to navigate the world on their own. Eventually allowing them the responsibility for ALL their decisions. This means allowing them to experience the natural consequences, both positive and negative, resulting from their choices.

However, most addicts begin their use when they are teenagers, a time when it is already difficult to decide how much independence is appropriate. Fearful parents witness poor choices and decide to keep the responsibility for themselves. This opens the door to a cycle of protecting their older/adult child from consequences, trying to control their child’s choices, and feeling guilty or worried because they think their child’s choices are due to their own mistakes as a parent. Once these patterns set in, they get entrenched quickly and deeply, which is how many parents end up in a long messy dynamic with their addicted children.

Detaching with love does not mean – withdrawing love, giving up, caring less, never worrying about, or abandoning the child.

Detaching with love does mean – accepting that they cannot control their child’s choices or the consequences of their child’s decisions, accepting that their roles have changed, and letting go and letting God. This also means allowing them to grow up in whatever way they choose to do so even if it is messy, turning the focus inward, and respecting the child’s right to be where they are.

Again, for some parents this new perspective will be welcomed as a long overdue change bringing relief in the knowing that they do not need to stay on the turbulent path their child is on. For others this will be a difficult perspective to implement. For those of you who feel the latter please remember another recovery mantra “progress not perfection” just “keep coming back” to your meetings and you will find yourself growing.

This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.

In my 25 years of working with parents of those suffering from substance use disorder, few concepts or perspectives stand out as much as “The Three Cs”. The concept comes from the Al-Anon Family Groups, but the idea has spread to countless other family recovery meetings.

The Three Cs:

• You didn’t Cause it
• You can’t Control it
• You can’t Cure it

I have attended an abundance of meetings where parents (who are now full of hope) are enthusiastically sharing this idea and the good news it brings. As they share their own story with the newcomers, specifically, they recount the change in perspective and the freedom this saying brings.

We may wonder why parents who have been attending meetings are so excited to share this concept with newcomers. Why are The Three Cs a regular discussion topic in family recovery meetings and counseling sessions? Why is this concept so valued by members both brand new to recovery and those who have been in recovery for many years?

I believe it is because it sums up a parent’s experience so well; it can bring such an impactful and prolific change to a parent’s view of addiction.

Let’s take a deeper look at what we often believe Caused the problem:

Many parents operate under a false belief that influences their responses to their loved one and forms their self-worth as a parent. This false belief is almost always that it is something they are doing, did, or did not do that caused their child to become addicted to substances. Having this belief leads them to agonize over the little things they said or did in the past, to freeze when decisions need to be made (for fear that they will make things worse), to search for someone else to blame, and to remain in denial of the problem (believing that if they accept the problem, they are admitting that they are a failure as a parent). Sometimes this leads to ignoring blatant evidence to the contrary such as having raised other children who did not become addicted to substances or the fact that addiction runs in the family.

The next false belief is built from the first one. If they believe that they created the problem, then it is within their power to solve (or Control) the problem. This leads to the next set of unhealthy responses, decisions, and actions. At this point we see parents trying everything they can think of to control the problem. Actions such as shielding their loved one from consequences, lecturing, yelling, bribing, manipulating, using guilt, and anything else they think will bring their loved one under control. This is by no means an exhaustive list. Parents often dedicate tremendous amounts of time, energy, and creativity trying to control substance use disorder. Often at the cost of their own sanity, peace, relationships, careers, retirement, and relationships with their other children.

Of course, the problem is that trying to control a person with substance use disorder is like trying to control the weather, it doesn’t happen. We’d never try to control the weather because we know we’d fail, what would change if we knew and believed that we were no more likely to control our loved ones substance use disorder. Belief dictates action.

The last part of this saying is that we can’t Cure it. If we accept the disease model premise for alcoholism/substance use disorder we must accept that we cannot cure it or treat it for any other person. Alcoholics Anonymous defines alcoholism as an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind for which the treatment is a spiritual experience. There are other takes on both the disease and treatments, but we will use this one for now.

Knowing all of this, we can see why The Three Cs provide so much relief for parents when they hear this new perspective. If they can learn to believe differently about the nature of the disease and their role in it with their child, they can start to change their own behavior. The constant worry will dissipate, and the parent will no longer feel like a failure. They will know with confidence that their child must travel their own journey and face their own adversity in life. Once this new belief sets in, the parent can become a loving and enthusiastic supporter without feeling the burden of trying to fix everything.

It is clear why this is such a tremendous weight lifted and why we are likely to hear at most family recovery meetings the simple and profound statement “You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.”

Hope is the belief that we can have something better. When our perspective changes, we can have hope. Because of this hope, our decisions and actions will begin to reflect this change of direction. This change of direction leads us down the path of peace and freedom.

Questions to meditate on or discuss:

Do I believe I caused my child’s substance use disorder?

Do I believe I can control their substance use disorder?

Do I believe I (or anyone else) can cure them?

If I accept The Three Cs as true, how will I act differently?

This article was written by Josh Azevedo for Parents of Addicted Loved Ones and originally appeared on their blog for families of addicted loved ones here.